Cloud9 fans celebrate a very close loss in Major Qualifiers

The ELeague Major qualifiers have concluded, with many shocking results coming out of them – with some fans still not over the fact that Counter-Logic Gaming won a round, let alone a match.

However, yesterday provided several talking points to the wider CS:GO community, which started with the Ninjas in Pyjamas finding themselves in a tricky situation after losing to CIS team, Vega Squadron.

“We’re not worried,” NiP fans told us, as the score was 15-2 to the communist team, “NiP always come back. We don’t lose to noob teams, we’re not Virtus Pro.”

Prior to this match-up, NiP had found themselves losing to North American side, OpTic – who European members of the CSGO subreddit (all ten of them) are reluctant to call Top 10. “Well, they beat Astralis and NiP,” one told us, “But could they do it on a stormy night in Sweden? I think not.”

Yet, Global Defensive watched in horror as NiP threw away the 16th round to the Eastern Europeans and as the happy, bright community of the CS:GO subreddit (full of positive happiness, smiley faces and quality shitposts) quickly began to devolve in to nightmares that can only be compared to the horrors of Jonestown.

The mood in the subreddit quickly lightened, however, when notorious hacker clan “Immortals” were eliminated by French side, G2.

“I love it when the stupid, loud monkeys have to shut their mouth,” one subreddit member told us. “I’m not racist, though,” he added on, “I voted for Hillary… or at least I would if I was old enough to.”

The last game of the day, however, saw the best team in the world match up against against half-cisgendered, half-European side, Hellraisers – who had already caused a lot of drama, in the past few months, after fans argued that it was immoral for them to kill the Portugese AWP player, even if it did make him much better with the rifle.

The result ended up going towards Hellraisers, who were very happy with their peformance. “I’m so excited by this,” one of their players (we don’t know any of their names) told Global Defensive, “Hopefully, someone will make a Reddit account dedicated to worshipping me now.”

Cloud9 fans were not too disappointed with the result, however, with many describing it as one of Cloud9’s greatest achievements – such as the fact that they almost beat SK Gaming at ELeague, at the start of this year. “Honestly, this game could’ve went either way,” one Cloud9 fan commented, “We got a bit unlucky, I think.”

While this could’ve caused an interesting discussion, what actually happened was a 100 comment chain arguing about the use of “we” to refer to Cloud9, with one side arguing that it was cringey and appealed to the normies who don’t appreciate the mighty pixel sports; while the other half argued that they should “shut the fuck up” and accept him for who he is.

“Cloud9 always get CS:GO’d and fucked by the game,” one fan told us, “You wouldn’t ever see anyone else get killed by an enemy jumping, would you?”. Clearly forgetting the short period of time, at the start of 2016, where he switched over to the Liquid flair to seek glory.

“Cloud9 are so unlucky,” another fan moaned, “Hellraisers were the most competent team left. We really deserved this Major, after such great wins against CLG and Renegades.”

While the future does look bleak for Cloud9, rumours are linking the five-man roster to places on next year’s “Celebrity Big Brother”, as the org realises that their fans would still give them money even if they were to lose a hypothetical tournament to trash teams such as Gambit or Renegades…


Follow @GlobalDefensive for satire as good as Cloud9, sarcastic analysis which will make you double-take until you see the account and sick burns that are almost as good as those by Duncan “Keep Calling People Decoys Until It Stops Getting Followers” Shields.

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